Funny Fantasy Team Names

Every year the pressure is on to come up with a fantasy team name so funny your friends will gush over how witty and wonderful you are. Well this year let NYJetsSuck.com do the thinking for you. Here are some of the funniest fantasy football team names for people who really hate the NY Jets.

Rex Ryan’s Overly Bleached Dentures

New York Butt-Fumbles

Geno Smith’s Inflated Ego

Michelle Ryan’s Foot Soliders

Rex’s Excess Fat

Headband and the Toe Man

McElroy’s Ginger Pubes

The Dirty Sanchezes

Two Left Feet

Fireman Ed’s Funeral

Taco and The Fat Man

Got Quarterbacks?

The Kolber Kissers

Cheaper By Cromartie’s Dozen

Señor Assface

Rex Ryan’s Tummy Tuck

Rex Ryan’s Rubberband

Woody’s Band of Peckers

Woody Johnson Confuses Buzz with Rigor Mortis

Jets owner Woody Johnson took a break from the NFL Career Development Symposium in Philadelphia on Tuesday to talk to the media about his NY Jets and how he thought the draft went for his team.

Woody told the media that fans should “be patient and have trust we’re doing the best thing”. Woody also said that a “buzz” surrounds the Jets.

Too bad the “buzz” Woody hears is just the sound of flies anxiously buzzing around the dead carcass of a football team known as the Jets.

Woody later insisted that the Patriots had better look out, because the Jets are coming for them, “Absolutely”.

It must be miserable being Woody Johnson. Having to act and talk tough when really you’re just the grown up version of that kid from “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.”

Woody Johnson Drove Drunk and Fell Off a Bridge While Urinating

“Oh come on! Who hasn’t fallen off a bridge peeing?”

The headline may sound sensational but it is sadly (hilariously?) true!

Jerry Oppenheimer’s “Crazy Rich: Power, Scandal and Tragedy Inside the Johnson & Johnson Dynasty” which comes out next month will tell the tale of a very, very drunk future owner of the Jets peeing off a bridge and almost losing his life.

“Oh, my God, who knows what we had, but yes, we were drinking alcohol,” Johnson’s then-girlfriend Diane Vonderahe says in the book. “We pulled off one of the off-ramps because we all had to go to the bathroom, and it was pitch-black outside. Even all these years later, it kind of gives me the creeps … because it’s not a very happy story. My heart’s still beating. I was in total panic.”

Oh good! Woody was driving drunk and the only reason he stopped was to go pee.

Johnson was on a bridge, and “he had been drinking, was urinating … and took a step or two backward,” the author wrote.

“It was like an 18-foot drop, and (Johnson) just stepped off of it.”

According to the book, the controversial Jets owner “had broken his back and was virtually paralyzed. He underwent surgery and was in intensive care for three or four months.”

Some woman with a really weird name, Debbie Sceli Peacock, also saw the scary incident.

“They told him he would never walk again,” Peacock says in the book.

And that’s why they say “don’t go pissing off bridges while drunk”. They do say that right?

Medical Emergency or Fight of the Century? Rex’s Stomach, Lap-Band Face Off

You know what? I’m just gonna hand over the keys to the blog to Rex Ryan himself. Nobody writes more material for the blog than Rex does. For instance, take the case of Rex Ryan after his team’s loss to the Denver Broncos. After complaining of chest pain, paramedics were called to the “Mile High City” airport to provide Rex with medical attention. Rex Ryan feared this could be “the big one”, a massive heart attack brought on by years of overindulgent binge eating that make Mama Cass look like a fasting Gandhi.

Sadly, though quite hilariously, this was not a massive coronary episode, rather it was a massive case of indigestion, also know as agita, heartburn, pyrosis or acid reflux. So Rex gets heartburn, skips the Tums and calls the paramedics instead AND THEN he blames the whole ordeal on his lap-band. If you don’t recall, Rex Ryan had a rubber band surgically implanted around his fat stomach in a vein attempt to control his excessive eating addiction. But with the Denver loss weighing on his mind and Thanksgiving dinner weighing on his weak abdomen, Rex Ryan’s lap-band was literally stretched to the limit causing the acid reflux which Rex apparently assumed was his tiny heart finally throwing in the towel.

Anybody else think the battle of Rex’s gargantuan stomach vs. the strength of the rubberized lap-band would be a more entertaining watch than most of the Jets’ football games?

Launderer to Jets Fears For His Life

What could make a simple New Jersey laundry cleaner so scared? According to the NY Times, Barry Barone, laundry bitch to the NY Jets and Giants, shakes in his boots whenever Rex Ryan drops off his famous XXXL sweater vest. And no, that is not a typo. Three fucking X’s. That’s almost as many ex’s as Elizabeth Taylor (too soon?).

Anyway, Darrell Revis’ jock strap washer drops everything when Rex Ryan’s sweater vest is dropped off. Wonder who said what to the washer to get him so on edge about a stupid, sweater vest that just so happens to be wider than a Smart car.

“Oh boy, whatever we do, nothing can happen to that sweater vest,” Barone said. “We take care of that one. We’ve got a special bag for that, and it goes right up front.”

Wait, for a minute there I thought it was the NYC Coronor talking about his “special” body bag for when Rex Ryan inevitably kicks the can from a massive coronary event, “special” meaning triple reinforced and sized XXXL. But alas, we’re reminded this is Mark Sanchez’s merkin detangler and not the NYC coronor.

So anyway, why is Barone, washer of Plaxico Burress’ shit stained tighty-whities, so fearful of upseting Rex Ryan? Word from one of our sources says Rex’s triple-x sized sweater vest came at great cost. Specificaly, 4 Cambodian toddlers died during the monumental undertaking that was the construction of Rex’s sweater vest. Fearing a repeat of the tragedy, Rex has instilled fear in those around him regarding the treatment of his precious sweater vest – threatening to put a hit on anyone who ruins his vest, using his connections with the famed Jersey Mafia.

We can only do one thing for the man who works wonders removing butt-crumbs from Antonio Cromartie’s compression shorts, and that is wish him good luck.

Antonio Cromartie: “I suck dick for hamburgers”

Hey did you all see Antonio Cromartie got his pussy in a twist when talking about Tom Brady?

Apparently Tom pointed to the Jets sideline when the Patriots scored their 5th TD of the game against the Jets (Jets had scored zero TD’s) and this hurt poor baby Antonio’s feelings.

A source from the Jets locker room also had this to tell us:

“Antonio’s rant against Tom is more about personal stuff then game stuff,” our source confided, “Tom Brady was spreading hurtful rumours about Antonio, saying things like he sucks dick for hamburgers, and he once let Rex Ryan video tape his feet for a guarenteed start.”

When Antonio heard about this our source indicates he was “furious”.

“When Antonio found out the feet video was making news, he got real worried.”

And that’s when he started bitching and moaning about Tom.

Now look, we understand, Antonio Cromartie likes hamburgers. He likes them so much that he has sucked countless dicks for hamburgers. One New Jersey Burger King employee who requested to remain anonymous told us that Cromartie could often be found loitering outside the burger joint for hours on end begging random strangers for a suckle of their cock. “It’s a little sad” our source said.

In any case, Antonio’s profanity laced rant against Tom Brady seems to be doing Antonio no favors.

According to a NY Daily News Poll most believe that Antonio Cromartie is the asshole.

Screen shot 2011-01-12 at 12.11.17 PM

Sorry Antonio, your attempt at smearing other players has fallen on deaf ears. Might as well go back to the dick sucking for hamburger circuit, you’re just so good at it.

Rex Ryan to Skip 2nd Half, Going to Primanti’s Instead

In light of the Jets 24-3 first half shellacking from the Pittsburgh Steelers, in the battle over who will represent the AFC at the Super Bowl, head coach and amatuer foot patrol officer Rexy Ryan decided to take off the headset and head to Pittsburgh’s famous Primanti Brothers restaurant where big ass sandwiches and putting french fries on everything is what they are best known for. It’s almost heaven for Rexy but the waitresses keep their shoes on, so he’s not quite there yet!

Screen shot 2011-01-23 at 5.52.49 PM

Anyway, keep an eye on the game. Our sources have told us that during half time Jets QB Mark Sanchez ordered dozens of hotdogs from “The Original Hot Dog Shop”,  and we all know Marky Mark’s affinity for having a nosh during games.

Praise for FTJ

You have to be the most dedicated troll in the history of blogging. Kudos to you, sir.”

- NY Daily News commenter ‘JNS’

 

All Jets fans, ignore FucktheJets…Everyone block him.

-WCBS-NY senior producer Jeff Capellini

Though I did not create this blog, “F*ck The Jets,” I certainly wish I had

-hesaidandshesaid.blogspot.com

” Still laughing freaking hard LOL

-Aleta  stoned internet commenter

” Hahaha as much as I enjoy it, it’s slightly pathetic that he dedicated an entire site to hating a team rather than to liking his own.

-thephinsider.com  commenter and lame-o dolphins fan dolphinfanatic717

” This is the best website in the world!

-lazaro stoned internet commenter

Thanks for Another GREAT Season – Help Make Next Season GREATER

To our fans, haters, Facebook friends, Twitterers but most of all to Rex Ryan and the NY Jets:

Thank you for another wonderful football season full of Jets losses, laughter at Rex’s expense and plenty of cussing and crude humor! This year we expanded our operations, staff and web presence. We are now officially the largest anti-Jets organization in the country and indeed the UNIVERSE! So suck it Jets, everyone hates you!

In addition to unveiling some new web sites and ways to connect with our fans this year, we also began a weekly podcast that will continue next season (and throughout the off-season, but on a lighter schedule).

Ultimately the goal is to provide you with more of what you love: bad Jets news presented in a humorous fashion with brutally blunt jokes, comments and the occasional funny photo! We also want our fans (and haters) to be more involved with us and the future of the organization. We want to interact more with you, having you present your questions, comments and ideas through our “Trash Talk” Jets haters message board or by leaving our podcast folks a voicemail that may be used on air (323-205-6465).

We also have some big plans for the next football season but these great ideas will take money to pull off. That’s why we’ve created the Fuck the Jets membership.

For a minimum donation of $10, you can join the ultimate Jets haters club and impress your friends with a cool and exclusive membership card.If $10 is too much right now, just chip in whatever you can spare.

If all of our fans gave just $1 today we could pay for a giant billboard next to Jets stadium calling Rex a fatty, no talent, loser… or something totally awesome like that. If that sounds like something cool to you, dig deep and become an official Fuck the Jets member. You only have one life to live, so why not do it hating the Jets with all of your might?

Jets QB: “Corrupt Mind-Set Within the Locker Room”

Oh. You Thought the Jets Bashing Was Over?

Not when there is so much Jets bashing going on within the team itself! So grab your popcorn and a can of Diet Coke (don’t wanna start looking like Rex, now do we?) and get a load of this.

Jets 3rd-string quarterback, Greg McElroy, recently made some shocking claims during an on-air interview with an Alabama radio station. The claims are shocking only in that they are made by an actual Jets player who has seen the inside of that dysfunctional and chaotic locker room. To longtime Jets haters like those of us at FucktheJets.com and NYJetsSuck.com, McElroy’s comments aren’t at all surprising. Among his comments:

It’s the first time I’ve ever been around extremely selfish individuals…there were people within our locker room that didn’t care whether we won or lost … (as long as) they really had a good game individually. And that’s the disappointing thing.

Damn. McElroy really let loose! Maybe he felt so at ease amongst the twang of the disc jockeying Alabaman’s, reminding him of his college glory days, that he just totally let the filter off. Continuing, McElroy said:

It’s going to take a lot to kind of come together next year. I think the fact that we struggled… this year really led to a really corrupt mind-set within the locker room.

Perhaps McElroy had some ‘splainin to do to Sexy Rexy Ryan because soon after the radio tirade, the quarterback cancelled a series of interviews he had been scheduled to do for ESPN.